So, as mentioned before my biggest ( or should I say ‘smallest’) body hang up is my boobs, or lack there-of. I had booked a trip away for me and the children with some friends and their children to legoland. It dawned on me last week that as the hotel there has a pool it was quite likely I would have to get my body out in front of my friends and their husbands (I’m the only single one). My friends are beautiful and as a woman I find fault with myself and see beauty in others. So I panicked. 

I have to admit that I didn’t go food shopping last week as I spent my few child free hours after work searching for a swimsuit that would accentuate my figure, boost my boobs and make me feel OK to step out of the changing area into the public domain. Needless to say this is an impossible task. Swimwear shopping is something most women struggle with so I know I’m not alone. 

I ended up sticking with my old costume and buying a new bikini, so I had options when I got there. As I didn’t fill the cups in my new bikini top, I decided to take along with me my only set of chicken fillets ( aka boob enhancing inserts). Anyway, at legoland I didn’t use them as I wore my old swimming costume and ended up in the pool before my friends and their families arrived. 

Crisis averted. 

Temporarily. 

Today, I had a spa day booked with the same friends (minus the husbands and kids) as a mums treat. I’ve been looking forward to this since we booked it just after Christmas. 

We got there and I decided on the new bikini with the added chicken fillets. I felt as OK as I could as I de-robed and got into the pool. 

I noticed as I pushed myself off from the side that the force of doing so caused my bikini top to gape. With every length of the pool I discreetly checked that the fillets were still there. They were. SUCCESS. 

We got in the jacuzzi and chatted about body issues and small boobs, saggy boobs, flabby bellies etc. I admitted to my chicken fillets.  We got chatting about how all of our bodies have changed since having children and that for them their husbands loved their new bodies, the size and shape of their boobs and bellies being a sign that they had created, grown, birthed and nurtured a child or two. As I don’t have a husband anymore I do worry that any man will see all of these signs of motherhood as a reminder that I have created, grown, birthed and nurtured children that belong to another man. I worry that my small boobs make me less attractive to men. I worry that I’m not sexy enough. I worry that my small boobs make me look like a pre-pubescent boy and it will have to be a special type of man that’s into that (one that I’m pretty sure I don’t want to meet!!). 

Anyway, I got out of the jacuzzi and back into the pool. I pushed myself off from the side. I felt my bikini top gape. I swam. I got to the other end of the pool, discreetly checked my fillets were still in place as I had done before. 

One was there. 

One was missing!

Panic panic. 

I swam back frantically searching, retracing my breast stroke (ironic I know), to no avail. 

I got out the pool and declared to my friends “I’ve got a problem!”. They immediately guessed what it was and fell about laughing!

One of them offered to help me find it, so we got back in the jacuzzi and waited for the bubbles to stop before looking for it in a frenzy, it wasn’t there. So we had a look in the pool. I saw it immediately, floating innocently by some children. My friend grabbed it and proceeded to wave it about like a prize to show the others we had found it. I was simultaneously relieved and mortified.

Luckily I’m quite good humoured and laughed about it. 

As with everything that happens in life, there is a lesson to learn. So I could decide to learn to love myself, to accept my body as is, to remind myself that I am a sexy woman as I am, to be proud of my body and the signs it carries of child bearing (signs that many women long for and never get). 

I got home and saw this:

 

What have I learnt?

To buy a bikini with pockets for chicken fillet inserts!