I’ve not written a post for a while as I’ve been busy moving house and a month later have only just got my internet connection sorted out! How did people live before the internet?

Anyway, because I’ve had a stressful few months moving house, I hadn’t spent much quality time with my kids and the time I have spent with them has been the mundane, taking them to school, swimming lessons etc. So I decided to get us a last minute deal holiday abroad. This was never really in my plan for this summer, as I’d taken the kids to DisneyLand Paris in February half term and had been to Barcelona for a hen do myself (post about that coming soon!).

Before I knew it, the kids broke up from school and we were jetting off to Rhodes. It’s a beautiful place. Weather was amazing. Hotel was beyond my expectation for the price I paid. Kids were pretty much well behaved. What more could I ask for??

I’m usually a “glass half full” person. I’m generally optimistic about life. I endeavour to be grateful for the lucky and privileged life that I lead. I have been blessed in so many ways. I have 2 healthy children who are growing up into intelligent and kind young people. I am about to change jobs. I have a lovely new home. I have some really wonderful and special friends and a loving family. What more could I ask for??

It’s the 4th summer since my ex husband left and the 3rd summer I’ve managed to take the kids abroad for a summer break on my modest salary. What more could I ask for??

Well, for the first time ever whilst away, I spent a day feeling sorry for myself. In the restaurant, by the pool, on the beach, everywhere I looked, I saw nuclear families and happy couples. I saw men attentive to their partners needs, rubbing in suncream, playing with the kids, dealing with the tantrums, going to the bar for drinks. I saw couples having adult conversations. I saw families playing games. I saw everything my children deserve that I have failed to give them.

I had the ideal as a child; parents that loved each other then and still do now. I so desperately want that for my children. Not just for them but for me as well.

I think I do OK as a single parent, I’m far from perfect but my children get most of what they need most of the time. I’ve enjoyed the journey of rediscovery of myself that being single now has given me.

I’m just really ready for more.

I’m tired. I’m tired of doing it alone. I’m tired of being Mum and Dad. I’m tired of always being ‘bad cop’.  I’m tired of not having anyone to share the load and talk to about things.

Even reading the school reports this year. My son read me his whilst I was driving. I sobbed. I sobbed at how well he’s doing despite the tough year he has had. I sobbed at the realisation that school is probably where he feels happiest. I sobbed with joy and pride. I sobbed because I have no-one to go home to to share my joy and pride with.

As I write this, I realise I sound like an ungrateful knob. As I mentioned above, I have so much to be grateful for. And I am. I truly am. I’m usually not too bothered by the happy nuclear family scene. I’m usually just happy that those kids can have that.

Perhaps that why I’ve been so upset about it recently. Perhaps I’ve realised I’m not superwoman and I can’t always do it all by myself. Perhaps there’s only so many times I can hear my son ask me to find him a Dad before I acknowledge that somewhere along the line, there’s been an epic failure. My children see their Dad regularly but the loss to them is still beyond my comprehension.

None of us want this. I don’t believe that any single parent truly does.

I need to pull my finger out, for all of us x