Or two.

I’ve been plodding on with my life quite nicely for the last five years. I’ve changed in so many ways and I feel quite happy with who I am and how my life is doing.

I’ve been out shopping today for the last few bits for Christmas and as usual I bought some gifts for members of the ex husbands family. His Nan has always shown me kindness and I’ve always liked his aunt, uncle and cousin, so they’re on my list. Along with his parents. I do this partly because I want to show my children that the other side of their family matters to me. That I care for the people that love them. I don’t get anything from them and neither do I expect to. They don’t owe me anything and I don’t owe them anything. I like to give. I do this because when the kids are ill and off school I call his parents to have the kids as they are retired and don’t go out much. I also do this because he does not and never has done it for my family. He didn’t bother much with them when we were married and that stung. It bothered me because if you love me then you can at least respect my family.

So I guess it shouldn’t bother me that now that he doesn’t love me; he doesn’t bother with me. But it does bother me. It bothers me that he doesn’t reply to my messages about the kids. It bothers me that he can’t even say hello when he collects the children. It bothers me that he has made it impossible for us to be civil.

I’ve always tried. I’m not perfect and there have been times when I’ve probably been a bitch to him. We’ve had disagreements. Overall though, I’ve tried. I want us to get on. It would be great for the kids if we did. I’ve reminded him that we will always be in each others lives because of the children. I don’t want them to feel awkward doing the seating plan for their weddings, or feeling like we can’t be in the same room when visiting the grandchildren. I’ve told him that life is short (because of circumstances with his wife’s family) and it would be good if we could be friends. I’ve kept him in the loop with the children, their school reports, appointments, assemblies and when they’ve received awards. I’ve asked him to back me up with discipline when necessary.

And I get nothing back.

I often have to send him ‘???’ when he does not reply to a question I’ve asked him several days before. I’m not asking him how he is or what he’s had for breakfast. I’m asking him if he can have the kids or if he’s able to make it to an appointment. I don’t expect to be a priority in his life but I do expect some respect.

We’ve got children together. Surely the least he can do is respect me.

I’ll never give up with him because of the children. I encourage them to go to their dads when they say they do not want to. I defend him when they’re upset with him. I tell them Daddy loves them when they say they don’t think he does. I greet him with a smile and a cheery ‘hello’ when he knocks on my door. He barely even looks at me.

He’s making his own choices with how he treats me and those choices are being watched by little eyes. That makes his choices all the more painful.