5 dates over 7 weeks.

All out in public.

No pressure for anything physical.

A true gentleman. The type of guy that always makes sure he walks on the road side of the pavement.

Charming. A deep thinker. Charismatic. Emotionally intelligent.

6’3”. Slender. Looks after himself.

Good job, self employed. Own home. Organises social events in the local area in his spare time. Former Toastmaster. Well travelled. Also a part time magician; impressing me on a couple of occasions with his card tricks (that is not a euphemism).

I was hooked. I was intrigued. My interest was piqued.

I find it really hard to describe the feelings that all of this stirred in me. We shared our first kiss on the second date. Gentle and soft. Right at the end.

Our third date was great. Dinner followed by a game of pool ( I didn’t know he’d booked this and was in a tight black dress), then drinks in a bar. Neither of us actually consuming alcohol. I questioned him on his beliefs and his life. His social events and his previous relationships. He told me then he doesn’t want to get married. He’s seen his parents divorce and the damage it caused. I was ok with that. Been there, done that. He kept his hands off me. He said he would like to kiss me again. But didn’t feel it was appropriate in a public bar. Old school but I liked it. He told me he could tell I was a passionate person from our first kiss. He likes to take things slow. Said he was a sensual person who took his time and was gentle. This is when he also described his home. He’d inherited it from his Mum who has passed away. She hadn’t done anything to it for years so it was a bit of a time warp. He said he had done the downstairs but the bedrooms were all old style. I told him I really could not care less what the house looks like. I explained I have a permanent 15 year old in residence at home so I would not be inviting him round to mine. It was too soon anyway.

We walked back to our cars and shared another kiss, a longer one but still slow and gentle. You can tell a lot from a kiss, I liked how he made me feel.

It had been raining on both our second and third dates so the only other contact I had with him was linking his arm to stay under his large umbrella.

During our time apart, he’d message me. We’d have enough contact for me to feel assured that he likes me but it wasn’t too much too soon. I’ve had people be very intense over messages before in the early stages and it’s got too much or been love bombing so I was enjoying the consistent, but not too much, contact.

Date 4 was the cinema. He’d mentioned a local cinema that has sofas so I booked there. This gave us the opportunity for more of a cuddle. Legs over each other, a bit of a kiss but not too much. Followed by dinner and drinks (and a card trick). This date was 7 hours long and conversation flowed. Again he spoke about his house being a mess. He wanted me to go round but not yet.

Date 5 was a walk round a park. He said he’d bring a blanket for us to sit on. It was nice and he sat behind me, playing with my hair, massaging my shoulders, kissing my neck. He said he likes how my body responds to his touch. We had a chat at this point where I said I was starting to think he either had a live in girlfriend or a dead body hiding in his house. He laughed and denied both of those things. We went for dinner and chatted some more. I had started to open up to him about my family and some of my insecurities, he did the same. This date also lasted about 6 hours. He said for our next date, he would make me lunch at his house and we could watch a film he’d mentioned a few times.

I was anticipating date number 6 and was very much looking forward to it. This man had managed to turn me on more with the slightest of touches and his voice than anyone had in a long time. I felt like he was finally letting me in to his inner sanctum, his home.

The date was arranged for Wednesday. He messaged me on Monday and asked when a good time to call was. My heart sank, I thought he would tell me that I couldn’t go round or worse, he just wasn’t interested. We arranged the call for 5pm.

The call started with the usual pleasantries. Then I asked what this was really about. He said that before I go round on Wednesday we need to have an adult conversation. He said that he felt things might get physical so we need to discuss a few things. I was put at ease. The date was on. He said that he noticed on my dating profile that I had put I was looking for a long term relationship. He asked what that looks like for me. I explained that I’m not in a rush to get serious quickly but that the goal is to find someone to settle down with. His profile also says long term relationship and casual. I find this to be the case with most men so I hadn’t been concerned.

This is when he outlined what this looks like for him.

He does not believe a human should be with only one person for life. He has seen the impact of divorce on friends and his Mum and he knows marriage isn’t for him. He’s very interested in a long term relationship with me. He has enjoyed my company. He sees me as intelligent and independent. Kind. Passionate. There would just be one catch. It would be an open relationship.

*sharp intake of breath from me. Never in a million years did I think this conversation would go this way.

He continued. He respects me and that is why he wanted to be honest about his intentions now, before things got physical. He said he would continue to hold me in the highest regard and that if we pursued a relationship, it would be up to me if we spoke openly about our other people and what we each got up to. He explained that if he met someone that interested him and he found attractive, he would want to be free to pursue that too. He said I am 100% his type but that he does not believe he could turn off attraction for others. He asked me to think it over and call him back anytime.

I was upset and angry. Why didn’t he tell me this on day one? Or before date one! Unbelievable. Why turn me on for 5 dates to drop this on me. I don’t know anyone who lives like this or has experienced it so I have no clue how it would work. I just know it would make me feel like shit.

I made myself and my son some dinner. I rang a friend and messaged others. I found myself tempted by it. Or at least by a visit to his place for what I suspect would be a mind blowing experience. I got different advice from different friends but overall the consensus was a big fat NO!

I rang him back a few hours later and we spoke for an hour. I told him that I had expected him to cancel our date, not say what he said. I told him that I was disappointed he wasn’t straight up with me from day one and that this should have been on his profile. He said he could tell by my wobbly voice that I was emotional about it. I explained that I would suffer with feelings of inadequacy and paranoia about where he was and who with. I told him it would put my mental and physical health at risk (what about safe sex etc). He said he was surprised by this as I’ve come across in our dates as very self assured. I said I am, but that I could not deal with him having his dick in someone else then coming back to me. That I would compare myself. That I see sex as special and not to be shared with others. I asked if he was involved with anyone else currently. He said he wasn’t and hadn’t kissed anyone in the last year. I’m not sure I believe him.

I spoke about his option of me either knowing or not knowing what he was up to. And vice versa. I suggested that he tell me if he wanted to pursue anything with another before it happened so that I could then walk away. Like anyone in a monogamous relationship would. He explained that he would want us both to be selfish. Want us both to find others and still have each other. I think he could tell he was losing me.

He went on to offer me some other options: phone sex, more dates out in public with no sex, touching without penetration.

He kept repeating that he would not want to hurt anyone, that he’s seen people destroyed by affairs etc and that is why he chooses this life. He said ‘I am what I am, I won’t change’. I told him I respect him and his lifestyle 100% and that I have loved our time together, I truly have. I thanked him for being chivalrous in our time together, for not rushing to get me into bed, for learning about me. I thanked him for his honesty now, be it a little too late.

I told my tale to a Facebook group I’m on with women only. I wanted to learn more. A few people on there educated me about Ethical Non Monogamy (ENM) and said that The Magician broke the first rule by not being straight with me from the start, that’s the ethical part, the trust and honesty that people who live this way adhere to. They said he sounds confused about what he really wants. They outlined the difference between open relationships (where there is a main relationship couple who see other people but prioritise each other) vs polyamory (where a person has more than one relationship of equal importance). Neither option appealed to me.

It’s safe to say that I don’t think I can live up to who he hoped I could be. He hasn’t lived up to who I hoped he could be. That is nobody’s fault, that’s just dating life, learning about others in order to find a match. My mindset is very clear regarding intimacy. As tempting as The Magician was and is. In my heart of hearts I know that I cannot do this and my already damaged heart could not cope.

The search continues! 💜